Every month I come to Kevin’s grave and put some coloured stones on it. I come the next month on the same date, the 30th to find that the stones are gone. I feel relieved to see that the stones are gone, every month. I dread for the day I see the stones on the same place I had kept, on the grave. The thought itself makes me uneasy, for many reasons.
First, because it would mean, no one cares to come and see him. That no one loves him. Second, I feel ashamed that I’m not able to come to see him every day, and third, that I am getting mad and obsessed. The thought of someone coming and removing them, keeps me sane, as there is someone as obsessed as I am. So I am not the only crazy one around.
I had talked to him the day… I—I’m sorry I can’t revisit it. It tears me apart.
“… that you were loved. You made us so proud…”
I saw his service in a video on Facebook. I wasn't invited on his funeral. She was.
His last girlfriend. She came and gave him a proper send-off. But it didn't matter. They were doing all of this for themselves, not for him. He knew what was, and what wasn't.
I was so scared to go to his grave for the first time. Not because it was dusk, or that, someone would still be there, as it was just the fourth night, but because, I would see the expected, but never imagined future, merge with the present, in form of, mortar and marble.
“…From ashes to ashes, from dust to dust…”
When we remember someone, why do we remember the happy times? It is because, it’s important for our sanity. An excellent marble or beautiful granite as a tombstone is to glorify the emotions. Making it lavish, so that we don’t feel bad, and make ourselves believe that they are in a happy place, metaphorical, as imagined, and literal, as constructed. It is all for us. Our comfort.
I saw her speak as well. I wanted to tell everyone, it was I, not her.
I have a suspicion; she takes all the stones off the tombstones that I put, to make-up for the funeral.
I wish you were alive.
***
I am in love.
I had been in love with this person, for a long time. I was in love, when he was alive.
I have seen things shatter in front of me. I can’t take it. It kills me to see the things which are happening. I wish he was alive. It would have made all the sense there is. I would’ve kept loving, and he would be loved. He is always loved by me, and her. Although I hardly know about him, yet he feels close to me. We are partners in a crime, common crime.
I will see him on the other side.
I remove the stones because I can’t stand the way things have turned out to be. She loves him more, and he loved her more than me.
Yes I remove the stones; for the sake of sanity. For the sake of happiness and sanity, I wish you were alive.
This time, I was late, she was about to come, and I wasn’t done yet.
***
While coming, I realized that it has been a year. No I didn't remember the date, because I just couldn’t. I saw this old man coming out of the graveyard, with this grey bag. He smiled at me, while passing. It was then, it dawned to me that it might not be her, but it could be some of those boys who dwell in the graveyard or this familiar old man too! For who knows, he removes the stones, because he understood my pain?
***
She saw me today. I was late. She saw me picking up the stones, and was surprised to see me. She came to me, we were silent. Then I saw her tears flowing, for the first time, ever.
“Why?” she asked.
It is because I couldn't see her in pain. The first time I met her, I had heard from her about Kevin and her relationship. The next time I met her, she was telling me what had happened. Not how she felt, but what had happened, factually. There was a storm inside her. But she didn’t let it come out.
The only emotions I saw were her big beautiful eyes, welled up with tears, but never coming out. I remember telling her, there are two most beautiful aspects of your face. You smiling lips, which deceive many, save a few, yet the sad eyes, which hinted at a lit up past, but now there is always that shimmer, like wax melting out of the candle.
She often said that she forgets things. I know that she forgets because she wanted to. That she couldn’t keep memories that shattered her to fragments. So in order to escape the pain, she forgets, just like I sleep all the time, when I break-up or when mother had passed away.
The reason I was drawn to her was not because, she was beautiful, well that too, but because, she is exactly like how I am. Well, not physically, but emotionally and mentally. Her thoughts come out exactly like mine do.
***
I did not expect to see him here. I never thought it would be him. I rarely thought about him, yet here he was. It can only mean, he thinks about me, a lot.
I let my emotions out in front of him, because since we had met, he had always had a familiarity about things we talked about. It comes to me now, when I think about it, but he always knew what was going on my mind, yet I failed to see it, because it was natural and came so easily that I didn’t realize, that if there was someone else, in his place, perhaps, things wouldn’t have been so natural.
But he always knew, how I was feeling, just like Kevin did. I now realize, that he behaves, just like me. He feels just like I do, he thinks like I do. How could I not see it?
***
I am in love.
I am in love with her.
I had been in love her, for a long time. I think I have always been in love with her. I was in love with her, when Kevin was alive. I have seen her shatter in front of me; in her poems and in those rare occasions when we met. She never showed it, but I could see. I can’t take it. It kills me to see the things which are happening.
I wish he was alive.
It would have made all the sense there is. I would’ve loved her, and he would have been loved by her.
Kevin is always loved by me, and her. Although I hardly know about him, yet he feels close to me. We are partners in a crime. A crime common to both of us, of loving her, deeply and madly.
When I saw that he was gone, I had cried. I couldn’t sleep for days, because of her, and because of him. I will see him on the other side and tell him about how I failed. I remove the stones because I can’t stand the way things have turned out to be. She is destroying herself. I had made a promise to him that night; that I would take care of her. She loves him more, and he loved her more than me. I my love can’t even begin to compensate, but it can surely make her happy. And him too.
Yes I remove the stones; for the sake of her sanity. For the sake of her happiness and sanity. I know that she won’t be able to bear looking at the stones she places, more than once. I know that it would break her. So I remove them.
I wish you were alive.
But this time, I was late, she came, and I wasn’t done yet.
***
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